De Perfecte Tiet Bestaat Niet

So the other day I was paging through a magazine in a doctor's waiting room. The cover photo consists of this stylish photographic pose of about 7 woman with just their jeans on, covering their boobs with their hands. I was intrigued, thinking maybe there will be some pre-menopausal-woman-health advice inside...So I picked it up. 

Now take note - Things are different here in the Netherlands. South Africa is still considered to be a bit more conservative. And being Afrikaans speaking, even more so.Anyways, imagine my raised eyebrows when I opened up this Dutch magazine and the headline was:

‘De perfecte tiet bestaat niet’.   (for my English speaking friends…the perfect tit, doesn’t exist)

Very comforting indeed I thought, while a burst out laughing. I looked down at my chest and thought…gals, did you just read that? Don’t you just feel so much better now?

I looked up, eager to share this with anyone willing to listen, but no, I was alone in the waiting room. Just me and my tieties. Feeling a bit disappointed, I lowered my head and started reading the article…

Shoe…I was a bit geskok hey!

The p-word, the k-word… used as absolute normal daily vocab for one’s ladybits, were twirking all over the pages!

Where I came from, that is theeee worst words you can call those parts. And your mom will bliksem you if you ever dare to even think it, nevermind say it. But here I am, in a very fancy waiting room, reading a very classy female magazine and giggling all the way. And while I read I could not stop thinking that how different cultures are perceiving things. Even after a few years living in Dutch-country, I am still thinking the word ‘kont’ is an absolute no-go. But here it is integrated in the daily language, with no bad connectation whatsoever! But I bet you if I phone my mom, and I tell her how stiff my kont is after gym yesterday, she will pull her pantoffel on me sommer straight over the phone! Even at my age!

But let's get back to the word ‘tiet’. A bit harsh I thought. So many nicer words to use. Boobs, breasts…even the Bible speak openly about them. ‘Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the liliess’…(Song of Songs 4:5). Just beautifully put, isn’t it? So poetic! But imagine it said instead: ‘Jou tiete is soos  2 bokke wat vreet tussen die blomme’….    

No….just no.

I went home, and told my husband about this headline…and low and behold, later that evening after he passed me my towel in the shower and had a sneaky peak…he composed a romantic poem…

“Mijn vrouw, mijn beste pel, de perfecte tiet bestaat tog wel…”

That’s it.That’s the poem. He was so proud of himself.

So I went to bed that night thanking God for my husband – my very own perfect imperfection. I thanked Him for being my personal push-up bra when life gets tough, and that even though I am noticing more gray hair sprouting, and that these peri-menopausal symptoms are SO not cool, I am grateful to still be alive and energetic enough to chase my 2 teenage girls back to their messy rooms for a good clean-up with my niet-so-lekker-knees. I thanked Him that even if my heart is imperfect, Jesus’s sacrifice makes it perfect.

God loves me just the way I am. Hang tiet of niet. And the fact that these babies still rock my husband’s world, also kinda made my day.

 

Zalea (April2025)

Scripture:  Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies’…(Song of Songs 4:5)