Chutney-off

Posted on July 16, 2025 by Zalea Dold


If someone say the word CHUTNEY, any South African expat will give their 2 voortande for a bottle of Mrs. Balls. It is a luxury we only allow ourselves now and again since it is so expensive and hard to find in our foreign countries. So when it suddenly became available in a store called LIDL in the Netherlands for only one week, and on sale nogals, every South African dropped kick whatever they were busy with and stampeded to their local LIDL.

I took my chance on Friday, five days into the ‘South African Specialties Special’, praying they had some chutney left over.

Now for those of you that have been living in other parts of the world, here in the Netherlands, getting your hands on 1) cheap and 2) South African products in a chain supermarket is FRONT PAGE NEWS. (Getting your hands on someone wat die winkel leegkoop, is also making the front page). My vleisboek account exploded with other South Africans in the Netherlands, proudly showing off their purchases and telling everybody that Mrs. Balls chutney is going for only 2.99 at LIDL (then moaning when there is nothing left when they get there). So today, I was walking for my first time ever into a LIDL, looking for my share of the prize.

Since Mrs. Balls chutney is the ONLY sauce I grew up with, I could not wait to see if these advertisements ring true. Keep in mind that I did not come from a masterchef family. My dad’s gebraaide lamb tjoppies was mostly salty houtskool pieces and my mom's idea of a Sunday lunch was a whole chicked boiled in only water (no salt) with you guest it...Mrs Balls chutney on the side. Now since I had no other reference, this was heavenly food for me! Only later in my life I discovered things like garlic, olives, blue cheese, soy&ginger, balsamic vinegar, chillies, and that my dad's lamb-tjoppies can cause cancer. A whole new world opened for me. Anyways, Mrs Balls runs in my blood like a good old South African pinotage.

So, as I entered LIDL, I immediately started looking for the holy grail aisle where I could find Mrs Balls. I started on the right and worked my way towards the other side of the shop. I spotted the much-desired collection of South African products, just like a game-ranger’s tracker picking up the spoor of some wild animal, hidden right in the middle of the middle aisle. As I turned into this glory-aisle, I put away my farlookers, and all my senses zoomed into only one section...the chutney. Now as I slowly leopard-crawl with narrowed eyes towards my prey, I spotted another South African lady (and I know this because I could hear her loudly speak Nederkaans to a shop assistant) approaching from the opposite direction. She was searching for exactly what I was searching for. We found the chutney with our eyes at exactly the same moment, looking up at it in all its splendor… glowing like golden fire shouting our names...I can still hear the crowds, the sound effects...the one and only leftover bottle of Mrs. Balls chutney. (Right next to a whole arsenal of Ceres guava juice.)

Now I’m going to stop right here and I am going to try to explain what went through my head. Since there is only one bottle of chutney left, I had a very interesting moment with myself.

My first keen observation was the level of determination on the other lady’s face. So that’s why I decided to call her #Linda. And please all the Linda's out there, don't take offense. One of my best friends are called ‘Linda’, and just like the Johan's out there, and there are many, you Linda’s kind of portray a very special South African-ness to the world. #jullevatikakkie. Julle weet wat julle wil hê en julle staan op vir julle regte. A trait I greatly admire. A trait I was not born with. (At least God gave me other talents, like my extra very long second toe.) The name Linda personify that specific character skills I wish I possess, especially today in the LIDL aisle, while I am facing my self-made-chutney-enemy. Maybe now is a perfect opportunity to practice a Linda-skill.

I decided DIS is my moment.
With one eye on her and the other on the Mrs. Balls bottle, I was getting ready for the battle of all battles...let the chutney-off begin.

"So", I said with a lekker fake smile, "looks like we are here for the same thing".
"Jaa", she said, also smiling, while I see her hand slowly reaching for the upper shelf. "I went to 2 other LIDL'S and they were sold out! I am soooo happy this LIDL have stock!
Nou kyk nê, it is exactly here when I realized that I possess soos in boggorol Linda-skills. I saw the joy on her face and the misty eyes and the sense of wonder pouring out of every single pore she had, and I thought to myself, foeitog, maybe she should rather have the chutney…
But, trying very hard to convince myself that deep inside of me must be some form of Linda-skill, I told myself: “Don’t be weak!” It is the Linda’s that makes the world go round. You need this! This is still a chutney-off! And I started to lean in for the scrum.
And then God chipped in.
God: I did not make you to be a ‘Linda’. And now is not the moment.
Me: Not now God! Seriously!
God: Just sayin. (throwing His hands in the air)
Me: "OMG God, this is MRS.BALLS CHUTNEY. I am going to say it again. MRS. BALLS CHUTNEY. You know one can’t eat bobotie without it. And why didn’t you give my any Linda-skills! I SO need it right now."
Linda: (Still smiling) (Taking 3 boxes of Ceres Guava juice of the shelf). "Luckily there is enough for both of us hey!”
Me: (did she just take the guava juice?)
God: (kriek kriek, kriek kriek)
Me: "Uhm...jaaa...."(regaining my composure, I decided to also take a box of Ceres guava juice… to cover my tracks offcourse). "Gotta leave some for the other South Africans hey?"
God: (Put his head in his hands).

At that very moment a Dutch lady out of nowhere reached for the last bottle of chutney and said: “Deze Zuid-Afrikaanse saus is erg lekker!”.
Me: (WHAT DA… WHAT JUST HAPPENEND!)
Linda: (Giggling) “I don’t understand the fuss about chutney. Can’t stand the stuff. But Ceres Guava juice!! My favourite! You should get another box before I take them all!
Me: (silent)
God: “Daai kite het toe nie gevlieg nie, het hy?”

So the moral of the oral is that there was no chutney-off at all. I made it all up in my head. Linda wanted the guava juice. I wanted to win a chutney-off. I felt bad. And I realized that I did not make Mrs. Balls proud today. My mom’s famous words when we fought over the last drop of chutney in the bottom of the bottle, slaat my tussen die oë - Twee honde baklei om ‘n been, die derde loop daarmee heen. Die ironie is dat Linda nie eers baklei het vir die been nie.

Later that day when I was lying on the couch, I had a long and good look at my extra long second toe…wondering why I did not get any Linda-skills. And I realized that if one has Linda-skills, one has a big responsibility. The world needs people with Linda-skills because they are the people that can stand up for injustice and for those that can’t speak for themselves. They fight for the rights of others and don’t take nonsense from nobody. But imagine that type of skills in people with self-serving, selfish hearts. We all know what that can lead too. The world is full of them. I mean, I almost shamelessly scrummed Linda right there in the middle of LIDL.

I have no idea if Linda could sense my inner turmoil, and I have no idea where that Dutch lady that stole my last piece of hope, came from. I also have NO idea why God gave me a long second toe for no apparent reason, but hey, even though I ate a bit of humble pie without any chutney today, I got myself some guava juice!


Zalea (July2022)

Scripture: Romans 12:4-6 (NIV)
"Just as each of us has one body with many members... so in Christ we, though many, form one body... We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us."